The 10 11 worst things about Christmas

Bah humbug! It’s nearly that time of year again. A time when the shops fill with useless items that nobody actually needs (otherwise known as stocking fillers), TV adverts suddenly feature snow-covered landscapes (even though I can’t remember the last time it actually snowed in December) and an annoying old bearded man in a red coat suddenly starts appearing everywhere (wasn’t he just a part of some Coca Cola advertising campaign?).

No, there is nothing very merry about Christmas, I would prefer to be wrapped up at home with my pipe and slippers than participating in seemingly endless Christmas shopping. And just to prove how bad things really are, I’ve listed the eleven worst features of the Christmas season:

1. You’re forced to eat turkey. Turkey has undesirable side effects on my digestive system and the fact that the rest of the world only seems to eat it once a year says a lot about its edible qualities. But I suppose turkey farmers have to make their money somewhere...

2. There’s far too much singing going on. And not good singing. This is all cheery, goodwill stuff with the occasional religious reference. It’s also persistent - it doesn’t seem to matter where you go, the carol singers will find you.

3. The television starts showing naff films. I mean, how many times do we really want to see Mary Poppins? It was bad enough the first time around.

4. You have to wear party hats. Enough said.

5. The shops are full of frantic people. Run out of milk? Forget going to the shops in the run up to Christmas. Those last few days are full of stressed last-minute shoppers and old ladies arguing over the remaining turkeys. Milking the cow yourself would probably be a quicker alternative.

6. Life becomes one endless fire-hazard. Fairy lights? Candles? Burning Christmas puddings? It’s enough to give any fire-conscious person a nervous breakdown.

7. You are required to plant a tree in your living room. You go to the Christmas tree farm, select a tree that has had its roots cut off, pay vast amounts of money for it, (even though you know it’s as good as dead!) and bring it home (filling the car with dirt, leaves and pine needles) to place in the totally unsuitable environment of your living room, where you cover it in tinsel and baubles. Each day from when it arrives sees new piles of pine needles on the floor, and by twelfth night (apparently it is unlucky to take it down any earlier), there are piles of needles all over the living room floor, in the carpet and under the furniture. As you remove the tree from the house it catches on the door and the last few needles fly off and wedge themselves in every nook and cranny where you will continue to find them for the rest of the year.

8. Expected goodwill. It may be the season of goodwill, but that’s no reason to turn up on my doorstep reciting carols or praising the power of God. There is a limit to my goodwill, even at Christmas. (PS. "We wish you a Merry Christmas" is not a carol, especially when sung by small boys holding out their hands for money on my doorstep when I'm in the middle of watching a good film!)

9. The bottomless pit of spending. Every year we budget. Every year it goes out of the window. Wouldn’t it be so much better if we just spent money on ourselves at Christmas, rather than buying naff presents for others? That way we’d all get exactly what we wanted, with no overspends.

10. Foul weather. As if thing’s weren’t bad enough, it’s bloomin’ freezing, it’s dark at 5 o’clock and it rains a lot. None of that aforementioned snow that advertisers keep producing - Christmas is just cold and rainy. Bah humbug!

11. Everyone is so over-excited about Christmas that my birthday (and my sister's Birthday) on 26th(Boxing Day) is completely overlooked (except by a small select group of friends and family).